Codependency vs. Interdependency
| Codependent | Interdependent |
| Compelled, driven, intense, compulsive, possessive. Compulsive need to keep partner so tied to the other that every thought, word, and action is guarded | Freedom of choice individuality, promoting growth. Partner acts in the other's best interest and gives them room and encouragement to grow and express their own individuality. |
| Enmeshed identities, feeling threatened by differences Suffocating closeness and attitude of "You have to be just like me." | Separate identities, good self-esteem, values differences Self-esteem comes from within, not from the other person; partners value the differences of the other |
| Attributes strength of relationship, the other person or control over the other person. I can't live with your mentality or dictator/servant roles | Attributes strength to two separate entities working together to achieve a mutual goal. Strength comes from within not through other person |
| Intense ups and downs. Cycle of behavior from good to violent; assumes the roles of victim, victimizer, and rescuer at certain intervals of the cycle | Consistency and predictability. Maintains consistent attitude of respect; partner knows what to expect in any situation and can trust the others commitment. |
| Narrow support system one or both partners crowd out other relationships or isolate themselves or their partner from other people, including family | Broad support system. Both partners include outside activities to bring a healthy balance and growth to their relationship |
| Stock-market syndrome or people pleasers. One partner reacts to the mood of the other. If he is having a bad day, you have a bad day. If he is happy you are happy. | Stable self-esteem. You sympathize care for the other person, but you do not take on their hurt or problems as your own. |
| Refusal to deal with the past, denying and repeating problems. Repeats dysfunctional behavior of parents, but denies there are any problems | Open to periodic evaluation and opportunities for change. Evaluates the relationship and is open to healthy change and growth |
| Need to control or be controlled: manipulative; self-centered. "I want what I want when I want it " or "you do exactly what I say or else" attitude; often very critical and verbally abusive. | Mutual submission. Surrendering power for the other person's own good; relinquishing your rights and not keeping score |
| Dishonesty and refusal to admit wrong. Won't admit faults; demands all family members to keep quiet about life at home; rationalizes and lies to cover up bad behavior. | Honest and characterized by integrity. Admits and makes amends for wrong behavior; motives are not self-centered; speaks directly and honestly; can be trusted. |
470 East Lockwood Avenue