"Snack"

by Greg Kreisman

			f I were to stare at a thing for so long that its aspect should change several times and from several different points I am well on my way to knowing something about the form of the object. (a snack dispenser)       \
			Here I sit with bright glossy color; shimmering circles of chrome, all floating in deep black. Aspects do change some stand out more than others as I fight my eye muscles the object bends and contorts in front of me turning inside out. . .  No. No. No. I am Iying like a man or a woman who would stuff Kleenex into areas which they felt were deficient.       
			Truly I must stare for hours...days to find the slightest changes.       
			Goethe in the first part of Theory of Color described universal features of color perception for humans with normal eyes. But MaryÑthe girl who I had stand in front of me for two hours to see her nipples and her bright red clitoris (to which under my advisement she would apply lipstick) change aspect; first to pile deep into her milky white breasts and black pubic region; then conversely turn positive and sit atop those areasÑsaw what Goethe called pathological colors; she would mistake green for a reddish brown.       
			Perception which relies too heavily on physiological partsÑnamely the eyeÑsuch as certain aspects of Goethe's color theory disappoints me. The changes are too small. Goethe in section five retells an instance of aftervision. An aftervision created by an impression of a colored object stimulating the retina to produce the opposite color: 

			I had entered an inn towards evening, and, as a well-favoured girl, with a brilliantly far complexion, black hair, and a scarlet bodice, came into the room, I looked attentively at her as she stood before me at some distance in half shadow, as she presently afterwards turned away, I saw on the white wall, which was now before me, a black face surrounded with a bright light, while the dress of perfectly distinct figure appeared of beautiful sea-green (p.22). 

			Yet I am not so easily satisfied.       
			Often I have wishedÑwith an erect penisÑto have such subtle control of my perception to change Mary's aspects varied and successively contorting her thematicallyÑto see her face burst through from her urethra, after that had blossomed from her clitoris, which had burst from between bright red nipples; all positive and negative aspects, twisting reversing her features. . .I controlling (eye and object).       
			Yet her everyday aspect is so strong and control over the mental portion of my perception is so poor that at times l don't even see the small changes between the positive aspect of her breasts and red nipples. I merely seeÑthrough disappointing physiological perceptionÑwhat Goethe saw; what his well-favored girl produced on his retina, stupid aftervision. I see green circles on Mary's stomach (actually stimulated on my retina in opposition to her nipples and the red lipstick on them) when my weary eyes drift across the white skin of her mid-section.       
			When I am disappointed in this way I cannot help but think of Andrew. Andrew as a young boy had a bit of trouble with apples. He did not dislike the taste, in fact he would eat too much apple pie and was never hesitant to have an extra helping of apple sauce with his pork chops. He did however have trouble eating apples when they were sliced down the middle.       
			Some aspects of perception are stable, yet do not necessarily stem from sedimented beliefsÑas do the difficulties in viewing MaryÑ they are silly unconscious fictions. Although they can spring up suddenly brining with them the most terrifying or beautiful thoughts, they are not ephemeralÑthey can remain for a life time. Further, for the most partÑparticularly in the youngÑthese fictions are almost completely beyond control.       
			Andrew's silly-apple-fictionÑwhich I feel was to him "the real"Ñmust have been derived from a certain viewing in his early childhood. Fortunately, while viewing this he had the resources of a group of children his age who acted symbiotically as shields and windows to the object. Viewed alone the "actual" experience what I will from now on refer to as the source experienceÑwould have proved even more trying.      
			This source experience, sadly enough, was of the light that traced exterior of an unfortunate little girl, who had her nose removed from her face. Yet let me be clear for the sake of the little girl, this source experience was only the most base level of the child. Her outgoing stance and proud demeanor are deserving of high praise. Andrew, under the same circumstances would have shrunk into his home, never to face a soul.
      Although Andrew s source experience was brief, a mere 30 seconds, the form of her exposed nasal cavity burnt into his mind's eye -- much like the sun burns its circular form into the retina when accidently viewed at midday. Further just as such a sun spot will drift through everything viewed after the sun encounter, the shadow on Andrew's mind's eye, drifted through all the idealized forms which he also holds somewhere in there. Herein the unconsciousness discovery must have been made: the form of the nasal cavity fit the form of the core of an appleÑwhen sliced vertically. Or some would contend that it was a new value created and thrown up simultaneously when, after the source experience, Andrew again viewed an apple sliced in half. Yet dissension on this point makes little difference to me or to Andrew. For theoretical arguments such as these neither adds nor takes away from the fact that this "everyday" way of seeingÑseeing without controlÑis for me disappointing and for Andrew terrifying.       
			If I could help Andrew, I would help him in much the same way as I attempt to help myself. I would have his tongue probe the apple core as my tongue probes Mary. I would help him engage in our inherently flawed attemptÑ yet a heroic attempt none the less to busy ourselves (. . .the soft wetnesses. . .); to forget the single appearance by looking at the many (. . . the sweet tastes. . .); to blur ourselves with an overload of sensation and data thereby confusing the stable sensations that we cannot fully control (...the musky odors. . .are all out there?). I would have us tear into and devour our objects in a sense consumption frenzyÑthus killing the despairing aspects of our experiencing by devouring any sense of division between object and self as we consume "it all," all at once.